Caretaker Read online

  She laughed. “But I wasn’t very good.”

  “You went to the world championships.”

  “But I bombed out in the third advanced level.”

  “That’s not so bad.”

  “There were 200 advanced levels.”

  He glanced away sheepishly. “Oh. Well, then . . .”

  She hit his shoulder. “You’re not supposed to agree.”

  “Sorry.” He glanced at her just in time to see the end of a yawn. He stood and reached to take her glass. “You’d better get some rest.”

  “You need some, too. You’re worn out.” Kaia put her hand on his arm and let it trail down to his hand. His eyes found hers and he saw the invitation in them.

  “I’m—I’m not sleepy,” he said, but he didn’t pull his hand away. His voice was quieter than before.

  “Just take a catnap with me.”

  She didn’t let go of his hand, and he found himself moving beside her onto the couch. Ethan laid back, and she curled against him. The couch was roomy, soft, and cool. She felt warm against his side. He felt her shift and move her hand onto his chest. He reached up and held it. Soon he felt her breathing evenly. His own eyes closed, and for the first time in five years, he slept without dreaming.

  Chapter 10

  When Ethan woke in the early hours of day 2021, he was lying on his side with Kaia in his arms. She was breathing softly into his neck, and he closed his eyes again, feeling the feather touch of it. She stirred slightly, and Ethan shifted his right arm out from under her. He slid carefully off the couch, leaving her there as he stepped into the hall. He stood catching his breath, images of her dancing in his mind. Already he longed to go back to her, to hold her until she woke up, but he didn’t dare, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to let her go if she looked up at him with those soft gray eyes. He willed his legs to move and walked alone down to the passenger hold.

  He maneuvered among the rows until he stood in front of Aria’s chamber. Her red-gold hair shone in the half-light. She was so still, so perfect. Her face was gentle and kind. He could see the smile lines next to her eyes, the slight creases framing her mouth. How often he’d kissed them. He always liked the feel of her smiling under his kisses.

  Her body, round and smooth, looked delicious through the glass. Her legs, long and strong, and her feet seemed impossibly relaxed for her upright position. He longed to slide his hand over her belly, pull himself close to her, and sleep with her in his arms. He didn’t care if they never woke up.

  He sat on the floor in front of her chamber and then lay back with his head on his arms. He closed his eyes. The winds of Earth seemed to ruffle his hair. The smell of a hot mountain meadow and the bitter wildflowers that grew there seemed to fill his nostrils. He remembered lying with Aria on a mountaintop a year before they’d boarded this ship. They’d been backpacking for a week, camping beside streams and lake mountains, tasting the world before they left it. They’d stopped in a meadow that hot afternoon, shrugging their packs off and crumpling to the warm earth. He remembered rolling his head to the side to look at Aria, lying beside him. A crown of wildflowers poked up around her hair. The green leaves entangled themselves around her, making it look as if she was growing out of the meadow herself. She’d looked over and smiled at him, and he’d felt the pull of his heart, that old feeling of contentment beyond what he could express in any of the languages he knew.

  They had lain in the meadow all afternoon, talking about the possibility of a trip to the stars. Their application was in, but Ethan sensed in Aria a hesitation.

  “I’m not sure you want to go,” he’d said carefully, afraid to belie his own yearning for the trip.

  Aria didn’t answer. She sat up and reached to cup a vibrant tangerine-colored flower in her hand, gently bending it toward him. “It’s a California Poppy,” she said, running a gentle finger over the curves of its fragile petals.

  Ethan had peered at it closely, seeing, for the first time, its exquisite delicacy. He wondered briefly how many of them he had trampled, how many he was laying on. He sat up.

  She went on, still gazing at the flower. “Its scientific name is Eschscholzia californica. When the Spanish explorers first saw it, they named it ‘cup of gold.’ It’s pollinated by beetles as well as bees. It has four petals, and they’re shaped like fans . . .” She paused. “I could tell you all that even if I wasn’t looking at it right now.” Her eyes met his. “And I could tell you more than you’d find in a wildflower handbook. I could tell you about the California Poppy’s small genome and its short life cycle, how it changes quickly when new elements are introduced, and how it is perfect for studying plant metabolism and plant morphogenesis. I used it when I was making my wheat more drought-resistant and again when I taught my wheat to pull protein more efficiently from the soil.” She looked at him pleadingly and gently released the flower.

  He took her hand. “Aria, you’re amazing. I—” He’d searched for the right words. “You’ll be such an asset to the colony. You know more about plants than anyone I’ve ever met.”

  “Earth plants, Ethan.” She returned his gaze with an annoyance in her eyes. When she spoke again, there was an intensity in Aria’s voice. “I know these plants at a molecular level, Ethan. I know them. I know their soil. I know what blights threaten them, what viruses attack them. I feel like, somehow, they are mine. And leaving them is . . .” She let go of his hand and brushed at the tears on her cheeks. “Leaving them is like . . . leaving part of myself.”

  They were quiet a long time before she spoke again. “Ethan, this is not just another Earth. This is a completely new planet in a new solar system. It’s not going to be the same. The plants there will be aliens to me in every sense of the word. I’ll be starting my entire career over, rebuilding every piece of knowledge. It will be like trying to learn to walk again. And who knows if anything I know about soils or genes or proteins will be useful there?”

  Ethan felt then, for the first time, how truly unknown Minea was. Beyond the glossy photographs and the buzz on the evening news, he knew very little of what awaited them there.

  She moved close and took his hand in hers. “You’re the only reason I would even consider it,” she said. “The only person I would leave this and go to the stars with. But I still need some time to know if I can give it all up.” She kissed him.

  He could almost feel her lips now as he opened his eyes and looked up at her. He wished he could talk to her, tell her how much he missed her and how sorry he was that he had taken them from their home.

  They hadn’t mentioned the trip again for several weeks. He saw now that during those weeks, she’d been grieving the loss of her research and her home. He had tried rescinding the application, but it was already being processed. He’d tried reassuring her that they could stay, that he would not ask of her such a sacrifice, but she’d already started saying goodbye.

  Their acceptance to the Minea colony came three days after the rejection of his proposal by the project review board at the university, and she had told him that evening that they would go. Aria had denied that her decision was influenced by the prospect of his having to abandon Xardn, but he knew that she was as loyal to his life’s work was as she was to her own. She would not let it be taken from him when he could continue it on Minea without interference. “Besides,” she said with as much enthusiasm as she could muster, “maybe I’ll find a new challenge there, too.”

  It was that gift that came back to him every time he reached for Kaia, every time he found his eyes lingering on her dark hair, her shining eyes. He couldn’t bear the thought of Aria’s sacrifice culminating in his betrayal. But the years stretched before him, and he wasn’t sure he could fight this feeling forever. There was only one way to stay true to Aria. Though her stasis dreams still haunted her, he would have to convince Kaia to go back into stasis. His unused chamber shone dull and empty beside Aria. If he could talk Kaia into using it, the chamber could sustain her until she made it to Minea. O
nce there, she could start a new life, and Ethan, an old man, could look his wife in the eyes when she awoke and tell her he’d always been true to her trust.

  * * *

  He stayed away from the Caretaker’s hold all that day, making the rounds of his passengers, standing on the observation deck gazing out at the infinite blackness of space, and tinkering with some of the climate control adjustments that Kaia had shown him. In his mind, he talked through several possible conversations where he would convince Kaia to go back into stasis. He looked critically over his behavior since Kaia had woken up. Out here, in the shining halls of the ship, he could only just remember the way he’d felt when he’d looked at Kaia these last few days. He was sure that his reactions had been due to his being taken off guard. He felt he could quell his desire for her if he was strict with himself. He’d had friends who were women before. There was no need to fear being with her. He went back to the hold with new resolve to avoid any more close contact.

  She was awake reading a book when he came in, and she smiled at him from the couch. “Out and about?” she asked.

  Ethan was surprised after his sternness with himself that his heart still thrilled to see her there. He nodded and walked over to the AAU.

  “Did you do anything interesting? Blow up any part of the ship?”

  He felt awkward as he carried his tray of food over to the chest. “Surprisingly, no. What are you hungry for?”

  “Fried chicken. Meal three four two.”

  “That was quick.”

  “I’ve been thinking about it all afternoon. I’m starving!”

  “Didn’t you get any lunch?” He felt a pang of regret for having stayed away all day.

  “Oh, yeah. I hobbled over there. But it wasn’t worth it for an afternoon snack. So I just waited for dinner.” He brought her tray over and situated it on her lap.

  “I’m sorry. I was just checking things out around the ship.”

  “It’s okay.” She glanced at him from the corner of her eye.

  He pretended not to notice and very carefully stayed at his end of the couch. The two ate in silence. That night, Ethan summoned the massage table early and pretended to be asleep long before the artificial lights went out.

  Chapter 11

  Three days later, Ethan and Kaia sat on the couch with a bucket of popcorn between them, watching an action movie called Platinum Heart. Her ankle was wrapped, propped up on the chest by the couch and well on its way to healing. She’d stayed off it, watching movies and reading while Ethan stayed out in the ship, coming back only at lunch and in the evenings. Finally, she’d suggested they watch a movie together.

  This was one of the newest flicks in the computer’s databanks, having been released just days before they’d left Earth. Ethan had seen it before, but she hadn’t. The story was set in a time where platinum was the only currency. The main character was a soldier in love with an android girl. He had to rescue her from rebels who were trying to get her platinum heart in order to buy their ship back and escape the horrors of their post-apocalyptic society.

  When the popcorn ran out, somewhere around the time that the android girl got kidnapped, Ethan picked up the bucket and leaned over to set it on the floor by his feet. When he sat back up, Kaia had scooted over beside him. She leaned slightly into him. The pleasure of having her there swept over him. He willed himself to shift away but found the pull of being close to her too strong to overcome.. When things on the screen started exploding, Kaia grasped Ethan’s arm tensely. They both watched as the action scenes played out in the middle of the movie, but during the lull that preceeded the final fight, Kaia’s head drooped onto his shoulder and he realized she was asleep.

  Her vulnerability prevented him from moving her. He took a deep breath. There was no harm in her resting there, and the strain of avoiding any contact with her over the last few days was beginning to take its toll on him. Involuntarily, he leaned his cheek onto her hair and his own eyes closed.

  The hold was dark when he awakened. His head was resting on Kaia’s soft hair. She was still sleeping on his shoulder, her arms curled around his bicep. Her breathing was gentle and even. He could see just the tip of her nose and her lips below it. He reached up and moved her bangs out of his line of vision. As he did so, she awakened and tilted her head back to look up at him.

  “How did it end?” she asked sleepily.

  “Happily, of course.” His voice was huskier than he expected it to be.

  Her arms tightened around his. Her sleepy gray eyes held him. He found himself leaning down to her. Without hesitation, he kissed her, a soft, careful kiss. She responded, kissing him back with more passion than he expected. He moved his hand up to her cheek, pulling her closer. As he let his defenses down, their kisses came like rain. He closed his eyes, inhaling her violet scent. His affection for her mingled with the ecstasy of having physical contact after so long, and he kissed her lips, her cheeks, her jaw, her neck. Her fingers were again entwined in his hair, and he was completely surrounded by her.

  As his lips touched her collarbone, Aria’s green eyes suddenly flashed in his mind. His lips found Kaia’s and he kissed her wildly, hungrily, feeling for a moment the two combined in his soul. Even as he kissed her, though, his fingertips were finding their way gently across her cheek, to her lips, caressing them as he pulled away, willing his arms to release her. He saw the confusion in her eyes as he sat back, his fingers still on her lips. He closed his eyes briefly to block out the confusion he saw playing across her face.

  “Oh, Kaia, Kaia, I—”

  Her eyes searched his face.

  “I can’t.” His voice was gentle. “I can’t.” He breathed deeply. “I can’t.”

  He saw his words hurt her. Saw the pain ricochet across her face. Suddenly, she slid close to him again, tucking her head under his chin as she wrapped her arms around his torso. She held him tight and said nothing.

  He let his hand go up to her hair and rest there. When she let go, he stood and walked to the AAU. “A cola, please.” He drank the cold liquid and turned back to see Kaia slipping on her stasis shoes.

  “Kaia, I—”

  “Ethan,” she was still as breathless as he was, and she avoided his eyes. “Let’s just—go for a walk.”

  “Okay.” Getting out of there seemed like a great idea. “Do you think you can make it?” His eyes darted to her ankle.

  “It . . . feels fine today. Probably be good to stretch it a little.” He felt the pain behind her false cheerfulness and longed to cross the room and take her in his arms again, to finish what they’d started. She was already at the door of the hold, though, on her way into the hall. Ethan took several large, quick steps and caught up to her.

  They walked down the hall in silence, not touching each other. “Ethan,” she finally said. “I—I’m in love with you.”

  Ethan didn’t say anything.

  “I know it’s awful. David’s only been gone . . .” She trailed off. “But I feel it so strongly. And, I think—I think you feel something, too.”

  They kept walking.

  “I’m not asking you to—” She hesitated. “I just want you to think realistically about what lies ahead of us on this ship. If we’re going to be here for almost five decades—” Again she stumbled on her words. “Do you really think we can go on—that we can just live here together all our lives, feeling the way that we do, without . . . Just think about it, okay?”

  He looked at her then, and nodded.

  “Kaia, I—I’ve been thinking about it since the moment I saw you. I think about it all the time.” She brightened slightly, so he hurried on. “I . . . I’d have to really love someone—”

  “You don’t love me?” She was characteristically direct.

  He was tempted to tell her how he felt, in all its complexity. But he knew that it would take away his only reason not to hold her, to be hers. He also knew he couldn’t, knew that his soul belonged to the woman frozen in time below them, and to give himsel
f to Kaia would mean the ultimate betrayal. So he looked away from Kaia and shook his head quickly.

  “Ethan, that’s not true. You—I felt it. I’ve felt it since you first touched me.”

  He walked faster, fighting the urge to take her in his arms. He couldn’t let it go on any longer. If he hurt her now, she’d hurt less later, and maybe the plan for her that he had formed in his mind—putting her back into stasis in his unused chamber—would work. She’d been planning on living her life out with David in this empty ship. She’d never leave him here alone if he was in love with her.

  “Kaia,” he said, with an edge in his voice. “I haven’t seen anyone—I haven’t touched a woman—for five years. I couldn’t help wanting . . . you. Wanting is not . . . it’s not . . . the same . . . the same as love.” He glanced swiftly and saw her fallen look from the corner of his eye.

  Her breath came quickly. “Oh,” was all she said.

  They walked in silence, wandering aimlessly and awkwardly together. When Ethan dared look up, he saw that they’d found their way to the cargo hold at the bottom of the ship.

  “Do you want to check out the cargo hold?” He tried to keep his tone neutral.

  She only nodded, biting her lip, still avoiding his eyes.

  Ethan gave the code and the big door slid open to reveal another cavernous room. Smooth white plastic shelving stood in front of them. The shelves held round-cornered boxes containing all that the passengers were allowed to bring from Earth. Each box was branded with the passenger’s number.

  “Wow.” Kaia said, momentarily forgetting the tension between them.

  Ethan grabbed the new subject readily. “It’s impressive, huh?”

  “I’ve never seen them with the boxes in them. Just the bare, open shelves. It’s awesome. 4,000 people’s whole lives packed up in this single room.” She began walking down the rows, reading the numbers.

  Ethan followed her, watching her walk.

  “Here it is! Here’s mine!” She reached for the second shelf, where her passenger number was branded on a box like all the others. She took it out of its depression on the shelf and opened it. On top was a photograph of Kaia and David McNeal. He was in his dress uniform, and Kaia was wearing a bright blue dress. They were looking at each other, not the camera, and as Kaia ran her fingers across the photo, Ethan felt a wave of discomfort, as if he were intruding. She set it aside and began to take out other things. He turned and continued down the row to find his own box.